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abused... feeling abused
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nowhere within the emotional feelings network of sites is any opportunity for me to make any profit from any of the 28 + sites within this network. this network of sites has been put together as a personal mission to help others by informing those who need information concerning mental health, eating disorders, lifestyle factors, and every other topic listed within.

navigational hint: all underlined link words open up a new window instead of changing your present one, taking you to another site within the emotional feelings network of sites - or to another site referencing the underlined link word!

thanks for visiting  emotional feelings network!

Welcome to more emotional feelings website!
 
emotional feelings is the home site for the emotional feelings network of sites!

  It's very important that you visit the page: keeping in touch!
Reason being: If you're here because you're searching for an answer to your feelings of dissatisfaction, unhappiness, feeling sick, or just general feelings of misery in your life - you need to find a volunteer opportunity that you feel comfortable with.
 
For a life changing listen - click here - it's truly life changing and something we all need to listen to. It does take some time to listen to Randy Pausch's Last Lecture, but you won't regret it.
 
You can help yourself by helping others. You might not think so; but it's true. Find something you can do to help some worthy causes. "Keeping in Touch" will show you some important causes that need you!
 
Why not just click here now to get it over with! So even if you leave this site after finding some information concerning an emotion or feeling... you'll also leave with the seed of thought concerning volunteer work that might produce some results bringing you a sense of accomplishment & find yourself feeling better!

a quick background on me....

5 years ago I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorderdepression & I was also experiencing an eating disorder that no one knew anything about; night eating.
 
While I was miserable in experiencing all the symptoms of post traumatic stress, an anxiety disorder & depression - which often accompanies anxiety disorders; I was overjoyed in finally finding out what was wrong with me!
 

Why would someone spend 1000's of hours designing & keeping up these websites to offer free information to others?

I have to reply - "You're absolutely right! It does take many, many hours each day to work on these sites. I'm a mother, a wife & an individual who has tons of personal work to do as well as the usual family responsibilities!

visit anxieties 101 by clicking here!

How would I find the time? I knew that if I made the commitment to myself to keep up these sites... I would HAVE to do it....
 
Why do I do it? I use the opportunity to combine my own recovery - personal growth journey with an important concept that I've made a commitment to:
 
"Helping yourself thru helping others..." 
 
I was so excited when after years of searching for the answer to my everyday question, "What's wrong with me?" that I felt determined to show others that if you don't quit & you know the path to take, you can find your answers as well!

connect the pics with the words...

My immediate concern at that time was "mental health." While I didn't know what was wrong with me, I did have one medical specialist tell me that my physical pain was due to a "mental problem."
 
I didn't quite understand it all, I was wallowing in many different symptoms of mental illness like panic attacks, severe anxiety & finally my eating disorder symptoms of waking up numerous times in the night to eat.
 
Just as you may have seen recently on either public service television commercials for depression or in your doctor's office waiting room; mental illness can manifest itself in physical symptoms that include many sources of discomfort. I was also experiencing the symptoms of "irritable bowel syndrome," that had started early on in my life. So I'll start with the mental health site that now exists within the network:
 

i've made this cake! it's delicious!

I've reached a point in my own personal recovery & growth journey that I believe I can describe accurately most of the emotions & feelings within the emotional feelings network of sites without using any information from anyone else.
 
But since the ruination of the "extremely emotional" site - I had to stop & ask myself - remembering to be aware & mindful of what's happening in my present moment -
 
"Why did this happen to me?" (the unreasonable ruin of my site, of course!) 
 
or - Choosing to seek a positive return for a negative energy passing my way - what would the positive ramifications be of having to go through every single page of a network of 28+ sites to delete the links to my ruined site?
 
Geez... now that I think of it... I've asked myself that question quite a few times before... "Why did this happen to me?" & I searched & searched for an answer, wasting time & positive energy on something very simple... Life is what's happening. Just look to find the positive about it instead of the negative
 
This is what I am looking for now in all aspects of my life. I'm looking for the "positive" reasons things happen. I remember what I've learned from my past to be prepared to have to confront negativities with my re-gained "power & control" on my side now instead of the enemy; but I choose now to look upon the face of countenance instead of upheaval.
 
After pondering a few days on this subject, while going through every page of the emotional feelings site - here - to unlink all the emotion & feelings words "s" thru the end of the alphabet - I realized something magnificent.
 
"This is my opportunity to take the time to check ALL linked words to be sure they're being directed to the correct places. This is my opportunity to re-check spelling & grammar. This is my opportunity to try to express in my own words - the most meaningful knowledge I've recently acquired!
 
I'll write what I've learned about the whole cake, almost 6 years of growth - not just reveal a the first piece of the cake! - I still offer other author's works to explain situational inferences to emotions & feelings!
 
I'll try to the best of my ability to explain the importance of every emotion & feeling. I'm honored you chose the emotional feelings network of sites to visit!
 
kathleen

Important notice:

 
is coming along.
 
it's the replacement site for extremely emotional!
 
thanks for your continued patience with me as it takes so long to re-establish all the underlined link words as well as building a new site!
 
kathleen

send me an e-mail!

click here to send me an e-mail!!

I feel "able"

I feel "able"

The following information is from the website of Sam Vaknin. Of all the research I've done concerning abuse - Mr. Vaknin's is the most complete and accurate. I can easily identify with his writing because I experienced many types of abuse throughout my life.
 
kathleen
 

The Gradations of Abuse

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

Is sexual abuse worse than emotional abuse? Is verbal abuse less deleterious than physical abuse (beatings)?

Somehow, the professional literature implies that there is a hierarchy with sexual mistreatment at its nadir. It is rare to hear about a dissociative identity disorder ("multiple personality") that is the outcome of constant oral humiliation in early childhood. But it is thought to be a common response to egregious sexual molestation of infants and to other forms of deviance and perversions with minors.

Yet, these distinctions are spurious. One's mental space is as important to one's healthy development and proper adult functioning as one's body. Indeed. the damage in sexual abuse is hardly corporeal. It is the psychological intrusion, coercion, and the demolition of nascent boundaries of the self that inflict the most damage.

Abuse is a form of long-term torture usually inflicted by one's nearest and dearest. It is a grievous violation of trust and it leads to disorientation, fear, depression, and suicidal ideation. It generates aggression in the abused and this overwhelming and all-pervasive emotion metastasizes and transforms into pathological envy, violence, rage, and hatred.

The abused are deformed by the abuser both overtly many develop mental health disorders and dysfunctional behaviours and, more perniciously, covertly. The abuser, like some kind of alien life form, invades and colonizes the victim's mind and becomes a permanent presence. Abused and abuser never cease the dialog of hurt, recrimination, and glib denial or rationalization that is an integral part of the act.

I feel "able"

del·e·te·ri·ous

adjective

1. injurious to health: deleterious gases.

2. harmful; injurious: deleterious influences

na·dir

the lowest point; point of greatest adversity or despair.

e·gre·gious  

extraordinary in some bad way; glaring; flagrant: an egregious mistake; an egregious liar

nas·cent

beginning to exist or develop

In a way, psychological abuse emotional and verbal is harder to "erase" and "deprogram". Words resonate and reverberate, pain resurfaces, narcissistic wounds keep opening. The victims proceeds to pay with stunted growth and recurrent failure for his own earlier degradation and objectification.

Social attitudes don't help. While sexual and physical abuse are slowly coming to the open and being recognized as the scourges that they are psychological abuse is still largely ignored. It is difficult to draw a line between strict discipline and verbal harassment. Abusers find refuge in the general disdain for the weak and the vulnerable which is the result of suppressed collective guilt. The "good intentions" defence is still going strong.

The professional community is no less to blame. Emotional and verbal abuse are perceived and analyzed in "relative" terms not as the absolute evils that they are. Cultural and moral relativism mean tat many aberrant and deplorable behaviour patterns are justified based on bogus cultural "sensitivities" and malignant political correctness.

Some scholars even go as far as blaming the victim for his or her maltreatment (the discipline is known as victimology). Is the abused guilty even partially for the abuse? Does the victim emit a "come-on" signal, picked up by would-be abusers? Are certain types of people more prone to abuse than others?

source: click here

I feel "able"

I feel "able"

The Guilt of the Abused Pathologizing the Victim by Sam Vaknin

It is telling that precious few psychology and psychopathology textbooks dedicate an entire chapter to abuse and violence. Even the most egregious manifestations such as child sexual abuse merit a fleeting mention, usually as a sub-chapter in a larger section dedicated to paraphilias or personality disorders.

Abusive behavior did not make it into the diagnostic criteria of mental health disorders, nor were its psychodynamic, cultural and social roots explored in depth. As a result of this deficient education and lacking awareness, most law enforcement officers, judges, counselors, guardians, and mediators are worryingly ignorant about the phenomenon.

Only 4% of hospital emergency room admissions of women in the United States are attributed by staff to domestic violence. The true figure, according to the FBI, is more like 50%. 1 in 3 murdered women was done in by her spouse, current or former.

The US Department of Justice pegs the number of spouses (mostly women) threatened with a deadly weapon at almost 2 million annually. Domestic violence erupts in a mind-boggling 1/2 of all American homes at least once a year. Nor are these isolated, "out of the blue", incidents.

Mistreatment and violence are part of an enduring pattern of maladaptive behavior within the relationship and are sometimes coupled with substance abuse. Abusers are possessive, pathologically jealous, dependent, and, often, narcissistic. Invariably, both the abuser and his victim seek to conceal the abusive episodes and their aftermath from family, friends, neighbors, or colleagues.

This dismal state of things is an abuser's and stalker's paradise. This is especially true with psychological (verbal and emotional) abuse which leaves no visible marks and renders the victim incapable of coherence.

Still, there is no "typical" offender. Maltreatment crosses racial, cultural, social, and economic lines. This is because, until very recently, abuse has constituted normative, socially-acceptable, and, sometimes, condoned, behavior. For the bulk of human history, women and children were considered no better than property.

Indeed, well into the 18th century, they still made it into lists of assets and liabilities of the household. Early legislation in America fashioned after European law, both Anglo-Saxon and Continental permitted wife battering for the purpose of behavior modification. The circumference of the stick used, specified the statute, should not exceed that of the husband's thumb.

Inevitably, many victims blame themselves for the dismal state of affairs. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defense mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel inadequate (autoplastic neurosis).

She may have come from an abusive family or environment which conditioned her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and pain. Gradually, the victims convert these unhealthy emotions and their learned helplessness in the face of persistent "gaslighting" into psychosomatic symptoms, anxiety and panic attacks, depression, or, in extremis, suicidal ideation and gestures.

I feel "able"

From the Narcissistic Personality Disorders list excerpt from my book "Toxic Relationships Abuse and its Aftermath" (November 2005):

Therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges are human. Some of them are social reactionaries, others are narcissists, and a few are themselves spouse abusers. Many things work against the victim facing the justice system and the psychological profession.

Start with denial. Abuse is such a horrid phenomenon that society and its delegates often choose to ignore it or to convert it into a more benign manifestation, typically by pathologizing the situation or the victim rather than the perpetrator.

A man's home is still his castle and the authorities are loath to intrude.

Most abusers are men and most victims are women. Even the most advanced communities in the world are largely patriarchal. Misogynistic gender stereotypes, superstitions, and prejudices are strong.

Therapists are not immune to these ubiquitous and age-old influences and biases.

They are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. The therapist rarely has a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the abused are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.

The profession's propensity to pathologize extends to the wrongdoers as well. Alas, few therapists are equipped to do proper clinical work, including diagnosis.

Abusers are thought by practitioners of psychology to be emotionally disturbed, the twisted outcomes of a history of familial violence and childhood traumas. They are typically diagnosed as suffering from a personality disorder, an inordinately low self-esteem, or codependence coupled with an all-devouring fear of abandonment. Consummate abusers use the right vocabulary and feign the appropriate "emotions" and affect and, thus, sway the evaluator's judgment.

But while the victim's "pathology" works against her especially in custody battles the culprit's "illness" works for him, as a mitigating circumstance, especially in criminal proceedings. 

In his seminal essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Visitation and Custody Disputes", Lundy Bancroft sums up the asymmetry in favor of the offender:

"Batterers ...  adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out 'for the good of the children.' He may cry ... and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge ... He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family and friends agree with him ...  that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits ... when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate.

Because of the effects of trauma, the victim of battering will often seem hostile, disjointed, and agitated, while the abuser appears friendly, articulate, and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted to conclude that the victim is the source of the problems in the relationship."

There is little the victim can do to "educate" the therapist or "prove" to him who is the guilty party. Mental health professionals are as ego-centered as the next person. They are emotionally invested in opinions they form or in their interpretation of the abusive relationship. They perceive every disagreement as a challenge to their authority and are likely to pathologize such behavior, labeling it "resistance" (or worse).

In the process of mediation, marital therapy, or evaluation, counselors frequently propose various techniques to ameliorate the abuse or bring it under control. Woe betides the party that dares object or turn these "recommendations" down. Thus, an abuse victim who declines to have any further contact with her batterer is bound to be chastised by her therapist for obstinately refusing to constructively communicate with her violent spouse.

Better to play ball and adopt the sleek mannerisms of your abuser. Sadly, sometimes the only way to convince your therapist that it is not all in your head and that you are a victim is by being insincere and by staging a well-calibrated performance, replete with the correct vocabulary. Therapists have Pavlovian reactions to certain phrases and theories and to certain "presenting signs and symptoms" (behaviors during the first few sessions). Learn these and use them to your advantage. It is your only chance.

I feel "able"

I feel "able"

Why Good People Ignore Abuse
 
Why do good people - church-goers, pillars of the community, the salt of the earth - ignore abuse and neglect, even when it is on their doorstep and in their proverbial backyard (for instance, in hospitals, orphanages, shelters, prisons, and the like)?

I. Lack of Clear Definition

Perhaps because the word "abuse" is so ill-defined and so open to culture-bound interpretation.

We should distinguish functional abuse from the sadistic variety. The former is calculated to ensure outcomes or to punish transgressors. It is measured, impersonal, efficient, and disinterested.

The latter - the sadistic variety - fulfils the emotional needs of the perpetrator.

This distinction is often blurred. People feel uncertain and, therefore, reluctant to intervene. "The authorities know best" - they lie to themselves.

II. Avoiding the Unpleasant

People, good people, tend to avert their eyes from certain institutions which deal with anomalies and pain, death and illness - the unsavory aspects of life which no one likes to be reminded of.

Like poor relatives, these institutions and events inside them are ignored and shunned.

III. The Common Guilt

Moreover, even good people abuse others habitually. Abusive conduct is so widespread that no one is exempt. Ours is a narcissistic - and, therefore, abusive - civilization.

People who find themselves caught up in anomic states - for instance, soldiers in war, nurses in hospitals, managers in corporations, parents or spouses in disintegrating families, or incarcerated inmates - tend to feel helpless and alienated. They experience a partial or total loss of control.

They are rendered vulnerable, powerless, and defenseless by events and circumstances beyond their influence.

Abuse amounts to exerting an absolute and all-pervasive domination of the victim's existence. It is a coping strategy employed by the abuser who wishes to reassert control over his life and, thus, to re-establish his mastery and superiority. By subjugating the victim - he regains his self-confidence and regulate his sense of self-worth.

IV. Abuse as Catharsis

Even perfectly "normal" and good people (witness the events in the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq) channel their negative emotions - pent up aggression, humiliation, rage, envy, diffuse hatred - and displace them.

The victims of abuse become symbols of everything that's wrong in the abuser's life and the situation he finds himself caught in. The act of abuse amounts to misplaced and violent venting.

V. The Wish to Conform & Belong - The Ethics of Peer Pressure

Many "good people" perpetrate heinous acts - or refrain from criticizing or opposing evil - out of a wish to conform. Abusing others is their way of demonstrating obsequious obeisance to authority, group affiliation, colleagueship, and adherence to the same ethical code of conduct and common values. They bask in the praise that is heaped on them by their superiors, fellow workers, associates, team mates, or collaborators.

Their need to belong is so strong that it overpowers ethical, moral, or legal considerations. They remain silent in the face of neglect, abuse, and atrocities because they feel insecure and they derive their identity almost entirely from the group.

Abuse rarely occurs where it does not have the sanction and blessing of the authorities, whether local or national. A permissive environment is sine qua non. The more abnormal the circumstances, the less normative the milieu, the further the scene of the crime is from public scrutiny - the more is egregious abuse likely to occur. This acquiescence is especially true in totalitarian societies where the use of physical force to discipline or eliminate dissent is an acceptable practice. But, unfortunately, it is also rampant in democratic societies.
 
source: click here - this website is an invaluable tool in understanding abuse. If you are in an abusive situation, please click the link and educate yourself concerning abuse. You may want to do this research/reading at a computer at your neighborhood library or use a friend's computer.
 
You may put yourself in danger if your abuser is computer literate and checks your computer's history. The words that Sam Vaknin uses are sometimes difficult to understand, so you can open a window to dictionary.com to be able to type in words and get a definition while you are reading the articles.
 
AUTHOR BIO

Sam Vaknin (
http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self
Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Visit Sam's Web site at
http://samvak.tripod.com

Why does abuse seem to be a "generational situation?"
 
If you read the information in the left column written by Sam Vaknin, you'll see that abusers are often abusing their victims in a sense of "rage" - blaming the victim through their abuse of "everything that is wrong" in the abuser's life.
 
If you look into "rage" you'll find the following from another one of my favorite sites: coping.org

What are the roots of my rage?

My fits of rage are rooted in:

  • my never learning to ventilate my anger appropriately as I experienced it.

  • the role modeling I received from my parents.

  • the way anger was shown in my family of origin.

  • my being physically, mentally, verbally, or sexually abused in my family of origin or later by a significant other.

  • me trying to get people's attention.

  • me trying to control a situation or to get my way.

  • my stuffing anger until I can't take it anymore and I explode.

  • my need to "look good'' when I am angry.

  • my need to blow up when it's a case of one time too many.

  • my not making systematic efforts to "work out'' my pent up anger.

  • my explosive personality.

  • my denial of the intensity of my unresolved anger.

  • my insecurity and lack of self-confidence.

  • my being overly sensitive to the actions and comments of others.

  • the "chip on my shoulder,'' the grudge I hold against those who I believe have treated me unfairly.

  • stereotypic problem solving where I react to situations in the same way no matter who is involved.

source: click here to visit coping.org

Sexual & Other Abuse May Alter a Brain Region

"Many women and men who have been subjected to severe physical or sexual abuse during childhood suffer from long-term disturbances of the psyche. They may be invaded by nightmares and flashbacks - much like survivors of war - or, conversely, may freeze into benumbed calm in situations of extreme stress.

Two recent studies find that survivors of child abuse may also have a smaller hippocampus relative to control subjects. If substantiated, the discovery could fill out the profile of an abuse survivor and help define what constitutes abuse."

"Changes in the hippocampus - the part of the brain that deals with short-term memory and possibly the encoding and retrieval of long-term memory - could, researchers suggest, be wrought by hormones flooding the brain during and after a stressful episode."

"Dissociation and PTSD are not sharply separated and often alternate in the same individual. Dissociation, often employed by children who cannot escape from the threat of abuse, is a means of mentally withdrawing from a horrific situation by separating it from conscious awareness. The skill allows the victim to feel detached from the body or self, as if what is happening is not happening to her or him."

"David W. Foy of Pepperdine University notes that within days or weeks of a traumatic experience, therapy seems beneficial in dispelling PTSD. This period, Bremner speculates, could reflect the timescale over which the hippocampus organizes experiences into a person's worldview. Although some functions of the hippocampus are known, its mechanics are poorly understood."

"Psychiatrists contend that if repeatedly invoked in childhood, dissociation prevents memories from being integrated into consciousness and can lead to an altered sense of self.

Many normal children play with imaginary companions; abused children can use such creative resources to a pathological extent, in extreme cases falling prey to multiple personality disorder (MPD). Adults may continue to use dissociation as a coping mechanism. Once dissociation or PTSD develops, the majority of psychological symptoms and the hormonal profile are very resistant to treatment."

Reference: Scientific American, N.Y., (273: 4) 10/95, page 14.

source site: click here

 
you've been visiting more emotional feelings...
please have a great day & take a few minutes to explore some of the other sites in the emotional feelings network of sites! explore the unresolved emotions & feelings that may be the cause of some of your pain & hurt... be curious & open to new possibilities! thanks again for visiting at anxieties 102!
 
 
anxieties 101 - click here!
anxieties 102 - click here!
 
almost 30 sites, all designed, editted & maintained by kathleen!
 
until next time: consider yourself hugged by a friend today!
 
til' next time! kathleen

thanks for visiting more emotional feelings... it's a never ending process - isn't it!?