welcome! look around!

feeling anguished

feeling abandoned
feeling able
abused... feeling abused
feeling accepted,.. finding acceptance
feeling adequate
feeling afraid
feeling agreeable
feeling altruistic
feeling amused
feeling anguished
feeling animated
feeling apologetic
feeling assured
feeling audacious
feeling available
feeling avoidant
feeling aware

nowhere within the emotional feelings network of sites is any opportunity for me to make any profit from any of the 28 + sites within this network. this network of sites has been put together as a personal mission to help others by informing those who need information concerning mental health, eating disorders, lifestyle factors, and every other topic listed within.

navigational hint: all underlined link words open up a new window instead of changing your present one, taking you to another site within the emotional feelings network of sites - or to another site referencing the underlined link word!

thanks for visiting  emotional feelings network!

Welcome to more emotional feelings website!
emotional feelings is the home site for the emotional feelings network of sites!

If you're trying to find personal growth, an avenue to get to know yourself or recovering from something... you'll find that there are many "connections" along your journey.
It's all the "connections" that you find, that cause a spark to be ignited within you that will carry you along when the going gets tougher.
I've made it easier for you by including connecting underlined link words throughout the 28 sites of the emotional feelings network of sites! Look for "connections" & you'll find them, more & more often. Be aware, mindful & grateful when you find them!

  It's very important that you visit the page: keeping in touch!
Reason being: If you're here because you're searching for an answer to your feelings of dissatisfaction, unhappiness, feeling sick, or just general feelings of misery in your life - you need to find a volunteer opportunity that you feel comfortable with.
For a life changing listen - click here - it's truly life changing and something we all need to listen to. It does take some time to listen to Randy Pausch's Last Lecture, but you won't regret it.
You can help yourself by helping others. You might not think so; but it's true. Find something you can do to help some worthy causes. "Keeping in Touch" will show you some important causes that need you!
Why not just click here now to get it over with! So even if you leave this site after finding some information concerning an emotion or feeling... you'll also leave with the seed of thought concerning volunteer work that might produce some results bringing you a sense of accomplishment & find yourself feeling better!

Your dictionary definition of:


feeling, showing, or accompanied by anguish.

2. resulting from or produced by anguish

a quick background on me....

5 years ago I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorderdepression & I was also experiencing an eating disorder that no one knew anything about; night eating.
While I was miserable in experiencing all the symptoms of post traumatic stress, an anxiety disorder & depression - which often accompanies anxiety disorders; I was overjoyed in finally finding out what was wrong with me!

Why would someone spend 1000's of hours designing & keeping up these websites to offer free information to others?

I have to reply - "You're absolutely right! It does take many, many hours each day to work on these sites. I'm a mother, a wife & an individual who has tons of personal work to do as well as the usual family responsibilities!

visit anxieties 101 by clicking here!

How would I find the time? I knew that if I made the commitment to myself to keep up these sites... I would HAVE to do it....
Why do I do it? I use the opportunity to combine my own recovery - personal growth journey with an important concept that I've made a commitment to:
"Helping yourself thru helping others..." 
I was so excited when after years of searching for the answer to my everyday question, "What's wrong with me?" that I felt determined to show others that if you don't quit & you know the path to take, you can find your answers as well!

connect the pics with the words...

My immediate concern at that time was "mental health." While I didn't know what was wrong with me, I did have one medical specialist tell me that my physical pain was due to a "mental problem."
I didn't quite understand it all, I was wallowing in many different symptoms of mental illness like panic attacks, severe anxiety & finally my eating disorder symptoms of waking up numerous times in the night to eat.
Just as you may have seen recently on either public service television commercials for depression or in your doctor's office waiting room; mental illness can manifest itself in physical symptoms that include many sources of discomfort. I was also experiencing the symptoms of "irritable bowel syndrome," that had started early on in my life. So I'll start with the mental health site that now exists within the network:

i've made this cake! it's delicious!

I've reached a point in my own personal recovery & growth journey that I believe I can describe accurately most of the emotions & feelings within the emotional feelings network of sites without using any information from anyone else.
But since the ruination of the "extremely emotional" site - I had to stop & ask myself - remembering to be aware & mindful of what's happening in my present moment -
"Why did this happen to me?" (the unreasonable ruin of my site, of course!) 
or - Choosing to seek a positive return for a negative energy passing my way - what would the positive ramifications be of having to go through every single page of a network of 28+ sites to delete the links to my ruined site?
Geez... now that I think of it... I've asked myself that question quite a few times before... "Why did this happen to me?" & I searched & searched for an answer, wasting time & positive energy on something very simple... Life is what's happening. Just look to find the positive about it instead of the negative
This is what I am looking for now in all aspects of my life. I'm looking for the "positive" reasons things happen. I remember what I've learned from my past to be prepared to have to confront negativities with my re-gained "power & control" on my side now instead of the enemy; but I choose now to look upon the face of countenance instead of upheaval.
After pondering a few days on this subject, while going through every page of the emotional feelings site - here - to unlink all the emotion & feelings words "s" thru the end of the alphabet - I realized something magnificent.
"This is my opportunity to take the time to check ALL linked words to be sure they're being directed to the correct places. This is my opportunity to re-check spelling & grammar. This is my opportunity to try to express in my own words - the most meaningful knowledge I've recently acquired!
I'll write what I've learned about the whole cake, almost 6 years of growth - not just reveal a the first piece of the cake! - I still offer other author's works to explain situational inferences to emotions & feelings!
I'll try to the best of my ability to explain the importance of every emotion & feeling. I'm honored you chose the emotional feelings network of sites to visit!

Important notice:

is coming along.
it's the replacement site for extremely emotional!
thanks for your continued patience with me as it takes so long to re-establish all the underlined link words as well as building a new site!

In violent streets & broken homes, the cry of anguished souls is not for more laws but for more conscience & character.
Cal Thomas

send me an e-mail!

click here to send me an e-mail!!

I feel "able"

I feel "able"

Brief Grief
By Paul Rieker
Reducing grief to the shortest period of time.

This NEW description of grief is created to cause the possibility of change, in the shortest time, perhaps within 30 days.

Grief is:
An Initial Sensitizing Event (the death event or a prior death event)

The continuance of Ruminating Conversations, without end
Not feeling safe
Emotions of Anguish, Despair, Anger & Fear placed in our learning, without human language, while transitioning into sleep.

Regardless of personal experience & different circumstances, the above description is universal in different measures for each person. Not everyone’s experience is the same, but the above list is universal to every person.

When each of these components are addressed & the feeling of being safe is restored, grief can become brief.

But, those who categorize grief as a ‘process without specific interdictions’ do so because they haven't seen the above components addressed quickly, universally, or accurately.

Please consider the process of an acorn growing to a mature oak tree. Germination, the growth of a sapling. Receiving sufficient light, water & nutrients. Culminating in a large oak tree creating a new acorn. This process can be interrupted. It can be enhanced. It can be brought to completion faster with positive intervention only IF:
we understand germination, photosynthesis, geotropism & the other aspects of tree growth & mature reproduction of trees.
If we understand the emotional fixations of anger & fear, grief can be made brief. We can understand the process of initial sensitizing events & how they create a learning of Anger / Fear.
If we agree, emotions are learned & not genetic or chemically created. If we understand that in learning an emotion & review of that emotion causes our increased ability & skill to practice & participate in it, if we can understand these things, we can have the basis of changing grief, with new tools.

The components of grief; anger, fear, despair & not feeling safe can be changed. But, without this acknowledgment, it’s possible the focus of attention will not be re-directed to joy.
The focus on that bad feeling, unique to each person, may remain the focus of attention.

Until the worst occurs, we don’t take action. This is how I understand the worst is created.

The repressed memory is many times not created in that moment of that 1st event. A repressed memory many times isn't the terrible event, but really a small event, perhaps in itself an event of seemingly no consequence. (Yes, of course a repressed memory can be a huge traumatic event which causes a repressed memory... but that huge event & the small events ARE the learnings which accumulate anger & fear & cause the focus into the past & precludes the living in the NOW.)

The repressed memory is a 1st learning. Established by learning the emotions of Anger & or Fear. It seems that a repressed memory is more the LEARNING to associate anger & fear over time, rather than the single event in itself.

This learning is the beginning of the SORTING PROCESS which the human mind uses for our incremental education. The sorting & comparison process makes future recall extremely fast.
But, this speed of recall, thru this sorting process comes with a price.

The speed of the learning / sorting process includes the sorting of the emotions of anger & fear. This is a cause of rumination, the incremental learning process.

My mother’s death, the moment that news came, didn't create my grief. That word in itself didn’t create it. That word Mom. That word died. Many times in my life, I heard those words. Mom & died.

Said together, “Mom died.” Did not create my grief. My grief was created by what I did with those words. How I felt after & how I made myself feel. How I expected to feel & how I created the outcome of those feelings around that news.
How I expected to feel around that anniversary date, those words even 5 years later. I created the 'expectation' to feel grief, before the anniversary date, even anticipating what I would feel, before that day. I caused this to occur.

The initial sensitizing event is NOT a bad feeling or debilitation when it occurs. This event appears to be a primer. The initial event is a point of learning. This is an event, which can cause us to bring future emotions to anchor on that initial learning. This seems to be the human learning process. Not only to make association with intellectual growth, but to make associations with emotional disappointments.

The human learning process isn't without emotion.

It would appear the onset of grief, which is not in that single event itself, can become a real debilitation over time thru the process of the continual opening & reviewing the event & other conversations like it.
“Like it” is the sorting process, the comparing of conversations & events which cause us to learn anger & fear.

The repressed memory is an accumulation of anger or fear or both, until such that the wrappers of anger & fear are so available, the emotions which are accumulated makes one blind from intellectually knowing the cause of the emotional learning.

This is what I refer to as wrapping an event or thought or belief with the “wrappers of anger or fear”.

If one feels grief is a process without intervention: Consider today an individual who has broken their arm. Do you expect an intervention which identifies where & how severe the break, the setting of the bones & the repair of the associated tissue.
The immobilization of the arm until it heals… or the debilitation of an arm which no longer functions as it normally did prior to the break?

Today, would one say "my grandfather died of a stroke, and so should everyone else."? Or, should we say, "We know about heart disease and cholesterol, we know about diet and exercise, we have medical interventions, today no one should have a stroke!"

Today, unfortunately when someone uses the term GRIEF PROCESS, that implies no action, no outcome but the verbal implied action.

This maybe your 1st presentation of the components of grief, from an actionable perspective.

Addressing the anger or fear embedded in the subconscious through the emotional release work, is NOT what your grandmother did.

This is NEW information. Reframing of the emotional fixations is a new concept which most are unfamiliar with. The continuance of growing wrappers of anger and fear. The transition into sleep, with despair and other sad emotions cause the learning and rehearsal of those emotions.

Would you have a child transition into sleep with despair? Would you view those facial expressions, see that child reduce his or her respiration and heart rate…drift to sleep in REM dreaming and learning. How do you expect that learning to be present the next day?

And, how would you expect that emotion of despair to present itself? Depression? Grief? Fear? We typically do not admit to these mechanisms, which cause grief to be established.

The transitioning into sleep, learning despair and anguish, anger and most of all fear is the primary learnings contributing to not only grief but to other emotional fixations. These learnings of emotion are accomplished without human language. Therefore, if implanted without language, do you expect language to address those non-language learnings?

Do we actually expect language to break these wrappers of anger and fear?

If the learning of grief is without human language, the healing of grief must become the ‘reverse’ of this process. Reversing of the grief lesson may have to be accomplished without intellectual learning. With emotional learning. The healing of grief comes with the emotional release and breaking the wrappers of anger and fear.

This breaking of anger, fear, despair which is learned while transitioning to sleep is addressed in deepest relaxation, where heart rate and respiration are reduced, similar to sleep.

During this time of reduced respiration, when REM occurs the therapeutic application of the following can occur.

The lesson I learned in the healing of grief comes through:
  • Abreaction Emotional release
  • Desensitization No longer a point of emotional focus
  • Emotional Reframing Believe the best, emotionally

This is because Grief is based upon:

  • Multiple More than one
  • Compounded Interleaved & can't stand alone
  • Emotional If Logic based, could be fixed with a spreadsheet
  • Fixations Totally fixed, unmovable.

The above is established & re-enforced thru:

  • Negotiation Bringing the points to focus
  • Agreement Agree to focus on these aspects
  • Expectation The future will hold the aspects of the agreement

Essentially, grief is the negotiation to feel fear &/or anger associated with an event. It's the agreement to accept that negotiation & it leads to the EXPECTATION the next time that thought / memory / experience is reviewed, the agreed emotion will live.

Unfortunately, we have not learned to expect joy over despair. And for some reason, unknown to me, we don’t accumulate joy in the same way we accumulate anger/fear. It is unfortunate that those people who have become so deeply despaired have the expectation that despair will continue.

Could it be now in your joy to understand grief could be shortened to 30 days? Would you like to make this possible with me?

If you have seen this:
Then you know brief grief is possible.
If you have not seen this:
What is the reason you have not seen grief become brief?

The oak tree story describes a process, but… Grief is not perceived as the individual components which can be positively changed in a short period of time. I practice resolving the fear, which is created due to grief... resolution of ruminating conversations, helping the individual feel safe again. But, without this acknowledgment of positive change, addressing each individual’s needs may NEVER have a personal resolution, neither briefly or in decades.

Grief can live for decades, or shorten one’s life. Grief can strip one's ability to love those who deserve that person's joy.

Identifying the individual’s impasse and encourage the shift to occur in the shortest period of time. It is unfortunate; most people feel this is impossible –and I have heard many say this is impossible only because they have not seen it.

Healing in a brief time can be everyone’s prayer and achievement.

I hope I’ve inspired you to demand Brief Grief to be a daily occurrence.

The practice of these techniques is for JOY and LOVE and FORGIVENESS to live. That person can move out of the stuckness, perhaps even lengthening their life.

Perhaps the focus on joy can occur, with these techniques. These techniques are not magic. When they are seen in demonstration and shared in teaching, these techniques can be learned and practiced.

Yes, that person who passed, they wouldn’t want you to be in grief for even one minute, would they? So, perhaps in this statement, you can take the hand of everyone you know living today, and tell that person, son, daughter, mother, father, wife, husband, tell them, they should NOT be in grief when your passing occurs. And, once you hear your words to those people who are dear to you, recognize the fact, that person who you are currently in grief for, wants you to live with the joyous memory of them, feeling love and the memories of their smile.

This process doesn't ignore or eliminate the memory of love. Brief grief can bring love into focus. The process of Brief Grief allows the choice to no longer focus on the anger, fear, despair & helplessness, which many can't seem to shake.

The agreement you had with that person the day you met, that meeting could have held the word, JOY.

The sense of joy can return, while the pain is extinguished. This is available & the option to use these techniques reside in the individual’s choice. Would you like to choose the memory of love & the feeling of joy?

source: selfgrowth.com

I feel "able"

I feel "able"

Griffin was 'big-hearted kid,' anguished McHale recalls

By Pat Borzi

For The Inquirer

MINNEAPOLIS - Not quite 30 seconds into a conference call discussing the death of Eddie Griffin, Kevin McHale's voice began to crack from emotion. For the next 15 minutes, McHale, the Minnesota Timberwolves' vice president of basketball operations, spoke of Griffin with the despair one feels over the loss of someone who couldn't be reached, or saved.

"I had no idea how much I was pulling for him until it hit me yesterday," McHale said of Griffin, 25, who was killed in a fiery collision with a train Friday in Houston. Griffin played his final 3 NBA seasons for Minnesota & McHale worked with Griffin almost every day in practice when the Timberwolves were at home.

"Eddie had a lot of different things that happened to him," McHale said. "I know everybody is responsible for their own lives & what happens to them. Eddie was a big-hearted kid, so easy to pull for. It's such a sad, sad waste, a tragic end to a life."

McHale said Griffin, who had been treated for alcohol abuse, was drinking again when the Timberwolves released him on March 13, 2 months after the NBA suspended him for 5 games for violating the league's substance-abuse policy.

By then Griffin had played his way deep onto the Timberwolves' bench. He played only 13 games, none after Dec. 13 & averaged 1.4 points & 1.9 rebounds per game. McHale said Griffin had asked for his release so he could return home to Houston & seek treatment with John Lucas, the former 76er's coach who had counseled the former Roman Catholic High School star before.

"Eddie could have helped the team," McHale said. "He was cycling down into a bad, bad spot. In one of our conversations, he said to me, 'I've got to go. It's not working for me here.' He felt he would have better success with John Lucas."

McHale, who said alcoholism runs in his family, said Griffin turned to alcohol when things didn't go well in his life. Griffin never played consistently enough to maintain a regular spot in then-coach Dwane Casey's rotation, repeating a failing that dogged his NBA career. McHale tried to talk Griffin thru such times, with little success.

"Eddie's coping skills weren't where they needed to be," McHale said.

In addition, McHale said, the Timberwolves' medical staff prescribed Griffin an oral alcohol-abuse deterrent drug called Antabuse, which makes patients violently ill if they drink.

"Eddie was a very easy guy to be around & he really tried," McHale said of the two-time Inquirer scholastic player of the year. "It didn't work. It's sad, man. It's just sad. I feel bad he wasn't able to get his life in order enough to enjoy it."

Griffin, a first-round draft pick in 2001, signed with the Timberwolves in October 2004 after a failed stint in Houston & a brief stop in New Jersey marred by more off-the-court problems. Griffin played well enough in 2004-05 (7.5 points, 6.5 rebounds) to win a 3 year contract extension.

But the good times didn't last. Griffin lost playing time as the 2005-06 season went along. In March 2006, he crashed his Cadillac Escalade into a parked car outside a convenience store & a video surveillance camera caught Griffin saying he was drunk.

The owner of the car sued Griffin & the City of Minneapolis because police didn't charge him with drunken driving. The suit is scheduled to go to trial next June, according to Michael Padden, attorney for the car's owner.

"It's tragic when someone dies before his time," Padden said. "I thought it was inevitable that this guy would kill someone driving. It's strange & ironic, that he ended up killing himself."

source: click here

I feel "able"

I feel "able"

Anguished Cries In a Place of Silence
Published: August 18, 2002

IT was smaller than I'd imagined, a black iron portal of human dimensions rather than the monstrous symbol of terror it has become. But the cynical words arching overhead, ''ARBEIT MACHT FREI,'' or ''Work Makes You Free,'' transported me directly into the footsteps of those who had once shuffled into Auschwitz with no hope of leaving alive.

Our guide pointed to the handmade sign: ''Look at the 'B' in ''ARBEIT,'' he said. ''It's upside down. A prisoner's rebellion - a sign of resistance.'' It was one of the only moments of triumph for the next 5 1/2 hours.

I had come to Auschwitz to pay my respects, to touch the horror I'd been spared only because my grandparents left Poland when the tyrant was the Czar, not Hitler. I went home convinced that everyone ought to visit. To feel. To bear witness. To preserve the lesson.

The death camp known during World War II as Konzentrationslager Auschwitz I is today Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum, a sprawling monument to Nazi depravity & global neglect in southern Poland.

This complex was the largest of the lagers, ultimately encompassing a chain of sub-camps & was responsible for the systematic murders of nearly 1.5 million people, almost all Jews, from the day it opened in June 1940 until the Soviet liberation in January 1945.

Now it's less a tourist spot than a pilgrimage site for an estimated half a million visitors a year. Poles, Americans & Germans are the most numerous; many visitors are Jews, looking for traces of lost relatives or, like me, for a moment to mourn.

Groups of German schoolchildren also come, to help maintain the museum by cutting the grass & doing other odd jobs as volunteers. ''It's very hard for the German kids,'' the museum's Polish deputy director, Krystyna Oleska, told me in an interview before my tour.

I started my trip in Krakow, where my companions hired a car & driver for the 45-minute drive southwest, mostly on the well-maintained A-4 toll road thru gentle hills & past small brick houses.

The ordinariness was jarring: taking a taxi to a concentration camp on a gorgeous, warm day last August. But when we passed the first set of railroad tracks, my blood ran cold. That was how prisoners arrived 60 years ago.

In fact, the camp was built here precisely because of the conjunction of major railroad lines in the town of Oswiecim, which the Third Reich renamed Auschwitz after occupying Poland in 1939.

My first impression of the camp itself was its vastness - nearly 50 acres of barracks, barbed wire, watch towers & a crematorium, all still menacing despite decades of abandonment.

I fell uncharacteristically silent. And I wasn't the only one. There were several large groups there when I visited - Japanese tourists & French boy scouts among them. Few were laughing or posing.

Instead, we proceeded along the neat rows of barracks, or blocks, with their exhibits on camp life. And death. The blocks themselves are red brick, two-story buildings, each designed to house 700 prisoners.

In reality, each held up to 2,000, crammed so tight on concrete floors that at night, according to our guide, ''when one turned, all had to turn.'' The toilets were lidless & doorless; the sinks, long troughs.

This was where the lucky ones lived, or rather existed, while they worked in the fields or factories nearby.

I thought of the words of Primo Levi, the Italian chemist & writer who spent nearly a year here: ''It isn't possible to sink lower than this; no human condition is more miserable than this, nor could it conceivably be so.''

One display shows the variety of tattoos used at Auschwitz, the only camp to use them; another, the train tickets the Nazis sold (yes, sold) to prisoners for their trip to the camp. An immense array of prison cards (häftlingskarten) listed not only a person's name & usual statistics, but also the shape of his or her face (including eyes, nose, ears, teeth & lips) & the reason for the arrest.

One poor soul's offense was ''helping Jews''; another's, ''listening to foreign radio station.''

The Nazi compulsion to document atrocities is stunning, the deceit infuriating. Death records for Russian prisoners of war - exterminated for being soldiers, not Jews - are recorded in black ink with a steady hand, noting precisely the time of execution: 8 p.m., 8:05, 8:10, 8:45.

One book records the names of 22,000 Gypsy victims, including their children born at Auschwitz. A postcard to the Red Cross from a Czech Jew - forced to write in German - reads: ''I am in good health, I feel good.''

And then there is the hair. On the second floor of Block 4, in a case some 20 yards long, are layer after layer of braids & tresses & curls, all gone gray now but once blond & brown & black & auburn.

The hair weighs more than 2 tons, less than 1/3 of what the Allied troops originally found. Hair was sold to be woven into textiles; gold fillings from teeth went to the German treasury.

Each display was more dreadful than the last, but the one that hit me hardest was the suitcases: a room-length mound of leather & cardboard valises once packed with the illusion that the owners were headed for a place where they could use their belongings.

Names & statistics were carefully lettered outside with what looked like white shoe polish: ''L. Bermann, 26.12.1886, Hamburg.'' As if poor Mr. Bermann ever would see his bag, or his world, again.

''Sometimes visitors say, 'That's my father,' '' our guide told me. I scanned the mass of lost hopes & stopped short at a brown leather valise, with the name ''Petr Eisler, KIND,'' meaning child. Petr's birth date was two days from my own.

As we were led from building to building along the wide, deceptively tranquil roads of the camp on this gloriously sunny day, I recognized the incongruities.

The lawn was too lush (''If there had been grass, the starving prisoners would have eaten it,'' our guide said) & it was peaceful. The crematorium, with its tracks for the smooth delivery of bodies to ovens, has been restored. There is no shortage of grisly reminders, like Block 11 with its one-foot-square ''standing cell'' & its suffocating starvation cell, torturous punishment for disobedient prison laborers.

A placard points out that Jakob Rosenzweig spent 5 nights here because he was ''talking during work.'' Still, it's tidy - put in order - after all, a museum. ''Auschwitz has a certain progression,'' explained one of my companions, a rabbi based in Warsaw, ushering me back into the taxi after 3 hours for the next part of our visit. ''But Birkenau gets right away to the bones.''

Birkenau is shorthand for KL Auschwitz II, built as an expansion to the main camp in 1941 in the nearby village of Brzezinka, a quick, two-mile drive.

Birkenau is where it all began & ended; where you stepped out of your boxcar & faced a lineup of storm troopers & snarling dogs & where one man would decide whether you lived temporarily or died immediately. It was called the Selection. You've no doubt seen the photographs - the ones with the Nazi officer pointing to the right (forced labor) or left (gas chamber), taking lives & splitting families. It's where Sophie had to make her unbearable choice.

I walked down the tracks in utter silence. This camp, nearly 10 times the size of Auschwitz, has largely been left as it was, an eerie ghost town spread across an immense field with the remains of 4 gas chambers & crematoriums & a sickeningly efficient reception area called the sauna, where prisoners chosen for forced labor were shaved, stripped & hosed down.

There are also rows of squalid barracks - one-story structures originally designed as stables, with 52 rings for horses still on the wall. They housed up to 1,000 humans each.

Here the toilets were buckets, the beds triple-tiered shelves where the people were stacked like goods in a warehouse. Finally I understood the photographs of the liberation: this is where the men, or women, lay staring out at their rescuers, human cordwood too feeble to move.

The ovens they'd escaped are not intact. Unlike the restoration at Auschwitz, some are in clumps, ruins left by the SS when they blew them up in an attempt to destroy all evidence before retreating. Another was partly destroyed by Jewish prisoners, who somehow managed to marshal the strength of the powerless during a 1944 revolt. An enlarged photograph by the rubble puts it back together.

Even the ground at Birkenau is authentic - so thoroughly saturated with the remains of the prisoners' bodies, I was warned to be careful where I walked. ''The ashes were dumped in the pond,'' I was told, ''but in fact the ashes are all around here.''

I heard about visitors who found bits of bones in the soil sticking up near the footpaths.

Finally, at the far end of the grounds, we reached the memorial - a line of plaques unveiled in 1967 with the same message in 19 languages. It reads in part:

''Forever let this place be a cry of despair and a warning to humanity.''

That thought was echoed in my introductory conversation with Krystyna Olesky, the deputy director who has worked there for 20 years. Yes, she told me, it is difficult ''but someone has to do it.'' Why? ''Because of all of those who died here.''

She described the staff efforts to catalog prison records into a new database, to shore up the crumbling buildings, to repair the damage from acid rain, paid for mostly by international contributions organized by the Ronald S. Lauder Foundation.

''This is an extraordinary cemetery, the scene of a crime,'' she told me. ''We could flatten everything, let the grass grow & we would have in some sense fulfilled that need to commemorate. But history teaches us. The maintenance of historical knowledge is our obligation. This must never happen again.''

I left feeling drained & shaken but curiously satisfied. I had wanted to see Auschwitz with my own eyes, not because I doubted its existence or expected to make sense of it, but to make it part of my life.

''No one who has not experienced the event will ever be able to understand it,''

wrote Elie Wiesel, the Nobelist who survived Auschwitz. Primo Levi described winter in Auschwitz, when an icicle he'd broken off was snatched away.

''Why?'' he asked his tormentor, who replied, ''There is no why here.''

How to get there; arranging tours

Auschwitz is 47 miles southwest of Krakow. Trains and buses travel there frequently; or you can rent a car or take a taxi. Guides are available but required only for large groups. A free shuttle links Auschwitz and Birkenau. At the camp, all signs at the camp are in English as well as Hebrew, Yiddish, Polish.

The Auschwitz Jewish Center is in the village of Oswiecim, with its newly restored synagogue. Oswiecim once had more than a dozen other synagogues, all destroyed during the war. The charming museum (www.auschwitz-muzeum.oswiecim.pl) evokes better times. One survivor is quoted as saying that when the Nazis came, ''Jewish life stopped -- like in midair. It just stopped.''

In Poland, the center is at Centrum Zydowskie w Oswiecimiu, Plac Ks. Jana Skarbka 3, Oswiecim 32-600, (48-33) 844-7002, fax (48-33) 844-7003. In New York, the Auschwitz Jewish Center Foundation is reachable by telephone (212) 575-1050; fax 575-1051; ajcf.org.

Correction: September 15, 2002, Sunday A listing of travel information on Aug. 18 with an article about Auschwitz placed a Web address erroneously in an unrelated paragraph. The address -- www.auschwitz-muzeum.oswiecim.pl -- should have appeared with the reference to the Auschwitz-Birkenau camp museum. (The Auschwitz Jewish Center museum is at www.ajcf.org.)

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Husband's anguished screams re-enacted at murder trial

'No, Pamela! No, no, please! No!' prominent lawyer cried

By Lisa Sweetingham

MARTINEZ, California (CourtTV) - Gothic imagery, dark poetry & an obsession with cult murders filled the mind of a former Boy Scout who is accused of brutally killing the wife of a prominent criminal defense attorney, prosecutors told a jury Thursday.

"It wasn't Goth, it wasn't even death, it was murder," prosecutor Harold Jewett said, describing writings & drawings that investigators found in a search of defendant Scott Dyleski's bedroom.

Dyleski, 17, has pleaded not guilty to the murder of Pamela Vitale, a mother of 2 & former Bay Area high-tech executive who was married to attorney Daniel Horowitz.

Dyleski is also charged with the special circumstance of murder during a burglary.

Dyleski disguised himself in a black ski mask, gloves & trench coat before allegedly entering Vitale's home & making a surprise attack on his neighbor, shortly after 10 a.m. on October 15, 2005.

Victim fought back

"She fought as valiantly as she could but the attack continued," Jewett said.

Vitale, 52, suffered 26 "devastating" head wounds that led to bleeding in her brain, he said. But after she was dead from her head injuries, the attack continued.

Vitale was stabbed so viciously in her abdomen, Jewett said, that her intestines were exposed. And then the killer carved a symbol into her back.

"Mr. Dyleski was big into symbols. He signs his name & puts his symbol on his artwork," Jewett said.

The prosecutor drew a symbol on a white piece of butcher paper that allegedly represented the signature Dyleski carved into Vitale's back, an H-shaped symbol with an extended T-bar.

Family in courtroom

Vitale's children, Marisa & Mario, sat in the front row, quietly crying & holding each other. Horowitz sat 2 rows back with his sister & had a pained look on his face as he shook his head.

Dyleski wore a crisp, white dress shirt, tan khakis & a gold tie Thursday. His mid-neck-length black hair was slicked back into a hard shell.

During pretrial hearings in March the defendant was engrossed in his writings on a yellow legal pad, barely looking up at witnesses. But during opening statements Thursday he watched the prosecutor's every move & listened intently.

Vitale & Horowitz had been married almost 11 years when she was killed. They lived in a trailer on their 12-acre hilltop property while Vitale oversaw construction of their dream home: A European-style mansion with a vineyard.

Jewett described how Horowitz discovered the horrific crime scene after coming home from a long day of working on a case.

"He knew something was wrong because he saw blood smears," Jewett said. "And then he opened the door & saw his wife."

Body by door

Vitale's body was in a fetal position near the front door, a pool of blood around her head.

"'No, Pamela! No, no, please! No!'" Jewett screamed as he re-enacted for jurors the sounds of Horowitz's cries as later described by neighbors who called 911. "Over & over again, his voice echoing down the canyon," the prosecutor said.

Jewett told the jury that he planned to call some 40 witnesses. They include Dyleski's best friend, his girlfriend & his mother - a reluctant witness who agreed to cooperate in exchange for escaping prosecution herself after she destroyed clothes, notes & other evidence.

Prosecutors also plan to offer the jury about 100 exhibits, including DNA evidence, bloody clothing, footprints, glove prints, fingerprints & the dark journal writings & drawings found in Dyleski's room.

Jurors will begin hearing testimony on Monday.

Dyleski faces a maximum sentence of life in prison without parole if he is convicted.

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Kate McCann: From anguished parent, to grieving mother, to suspect

Saturday, September 08, 2007

If Kate McCann were seeking some consolation this week, as she began preparing to return home from the Portuguese resort that'll define the rest of her life, then perhaps it was the belief that no catastrophe could ever come close to what she has experienced in the place where her family arrived for a week's peace & sunshine, 138 days ago.

But, in a single, breathtaking moment yesterday, the world learnt there were to be no such certainties for the mother of Madeleine McCann. Shortly before 11am, Mrs McCann's spokeswoman, Justine McGuinness, revealed that the 39-year-old GP was being made an arguida – official suspect – in the case.

And then she uttered the 6 short words which will be inconceivable to some who have followed this case & a confirmation of long-held suspicions to others. "Kate fears she will be charged," Ms McGuinness said.

There was to be more – much more – all day. Firm facts which seemed all the more extraordinary because of the utter absence of solid detail of any kind in this case since Madeleine vanished from apartment 5A at the Ocean Club in the white-washed resort of Praia da Luz, on the last night of the family's beach holiday in May.

There was even an extraordinary suggestion last night that Mrs McCann had been offered a deal: to confess to killing Madeleine accidentally, in return for a lenient 2-year sentence.

Late last night, Mr McCann, was also named as a suspect. As he left the police station by the same door his wife had exited 24 hours earlier, the couple’s lawyer said: "Today Kate & Gerry have both been declared arguidos with no bail conditions & no charges have been brought against them – the investigation continues.”

Detectives put it to Mrs McCann, during 10 hours of questioning late on Thursday, that Madeleine's blood had been found in a silver Renault Scenic she hired with her husband Gerry, 25 days after Madeleine went missing, Ms McGuiness disclosed.

Within an hour of that revelation, Mrs McCann was back at the police station from which she had emerged, palpably worn from 11 hours of questioning, at about 1am. There were cheers & some unmistakeable boos.

And then, as the millions absorbed by this story held their breath & she faced 22 "difficult questions" relating to the case, Mrs McCann's sister-in-law simply telephoned Sky TV to relate the conversation she had just concluded with her brother, Gerry. "They're suggesting Kate has killed Madeleine & then kept the body & got rid of it," said Philomena McCann, who reported that Mr McCann was currently "lying down" , exhausted.

She also disclosed details of the "deal". If this were a film script, it would have been torn up for its lack of realism.

Mrs McCann left Portimao police station after 5 more hours of questions yesterday afternoon, minutes after her husband had arrived to face his own interview. Mrs McCann hadn't been charged last night, despite her own fears & suggestions from the couple's lawyer, Carlos Pinto de Abreu, that she might be.

The developments of the day led Mr McCann to use the website which has been the focus of the couple's extraordinary, global campaign to find their daughter, to declare their innocence.

"Anyone who knows anything about the 3rd May knows that Kate is completely innocent," said Mr McCann. " We will fight this all the way & we will not stop looking for Madeleine" .

Mr McCann's capacity to sit down & compose any kind of message was remarkable, considering the chaos engulfing him. He would have known that a police interview awaited him & that if the hire car made his wife a source of suspicion, then the same might go for him.

But not once since the evening Madeleine vanished has he allowed events to overwhelm him.

For a time, while the couple embarked on their international crusade to find their daughter, Mrs McCann pledged she could never return to their home in Rothley, Leicestershire, until Madeleine was found.

But there has been a gradually acceptance in their language of late that the girl might not be found & before preparing to leave this week, they actually declared their media campaign was to be scaled down.

The forensic investigation has continued apace, though. Portugal's Policia Judiciaria (PJ) has gradually become more willing to accept advice from the Leicestershire Constabulary, the McCanns' local force & last month, British forensic officers undertook a sweep of the McCanns' apartment & the silver Scenic in which the couple have been seen transporting their twins, Sean & Amelie.

DNA samples, along with some of Kate McCann's clothes & a bible of hers which they took, have been under examination at the Forensic Science Service (FSS) in Birmingham, with the results being delivered to Portuguese officers via Leicestershire police.

The outcome of these tests have been a source of fierce speculation in the Portuguese press, resulting in a glut of stories raising suspicions about the McCanns which have surfaced around the 100-day anniversary of her disappearance, last month.

The main story at that time surrounded the discovery of dried blood on the wall of the McCanns' apartment with suggestions that it had, somehow, been " wiped clean". There was also reportedly evidence that British sniffer dogs had stopped at the scent of someone who might have died in the apartment.

The apartment inquiry came to nothing. The source of the blood turned out to be a man who injured himself while staying at the two-bedroom apartment after Madeleine disappeared.

While attention in Portugal focused on the apartment, the presence of bloodstains in the hire car seemed to pass by many involved in the case – including the Portuguese police officers who have leaked their various theories to the nation's papers.

On 11 August, Mundo Real reported that the McCanns might have "moved a dead body 5 weeks later in their hired Renault Scenic car." There have also been fleeting mentions, amid the many colourful hypotheses in the Portuguese papers, of British sniffer dogs picking up scents in the Scenic's boot & the "strong scent of a corpse " on the vehicle's keys.

But amid the welter of accusations being bandied around, those seemed insignificant.

The FSS refused yesterday to discuss the significance of evidence that has been passed to Portugal but a trickle of DNA results have certainly been arriving there since the "blood on the wall" evidence, with information relating to the car possibly reaching officers on Wednesday or Thursday.

Olegario Sousa, the spokesman for the PJ inquiry, said on Wednesday that he was "very satisfied" with a new batch of results that had arrived.

Disclosures by the McCann family (rather than any utterances by the PJ on the subject) suggested the car is a crucial line of inquiry. So, if traces of Madeleine's blood have been found, how serious are the implications for Kate McCann?

Mark Williams-Thomas, a former detective & child-protection expert, said there were many objections to a theory that a car hired 5 weeks after Madeleine's disappearance might offer evidence to implicate Mrs McCann or her husband.

Any attempt to move Madeleine's body, in the Scenic or by some other means, would bring an extraordinary risk of detection, considering the intense round-the-clock scrutiny the McCanns have been under throughout their time in Portugal.

To leave blood deposits by doing so would suggest that Madeleine hadn't been concealed in any way & simply laid in the car. Again, highly unlikely. The 5-week delay raises further questions. It would be far more unlikely to find blood deposits after that time – following Madeleine's death the blood would have long since dried up.

That said, statistics show it's right & proper than the couple should be under scrutiny in this case – 90% of murders in this country are domestic & just 6% of abducted children are removed by paedophiles or someone unknown to them.

But Mr Williams-Thomas argued that Mrs McCann's palpable grief after her daughter's disappearance made it inconceivable that she might have had a hand in her death.

"It would have been simply impossible to conduct herself as she has, in the knowledge that she had committed such a crime," he said. "It would have taken one hour at maximum to get rid of a body.

The adrenalin & emotions would have made detection inevitable."

So how did any blood get there? Cross-contamination is one possibility, says Mr Williams-Thomas, since forensic officers were seen searching the flat without protective uniforms. The new developments raise many more questions.

Gerry McCann told his sister that police believe Madeleine was killed " accidentally" & removed. How can they possibly know that until a body is located?

Why, as Ms McGuinness has indicated, was Mrs McCann asked no questions yesterday which related to the night of 3 May.

Of one detail there is more certainty. DNA also found on Mrs McCann's clothing can't possibly implicate her, as it's highly likely that such traces of her daughter would be there. Perhaps, in the details of yesterday's extraordinary developments, there's also a conceivable theory that the blood in the car is a red herring, designed perhaps to antagonize the McCanns & flush out a loose statement from either.

Or otherwise, to lull other suspects into a false sense of security? With the investigation apparently fizzling out it could have been one last throw of the dice for the habitually eccentric Portuguese police operation.

Friends & family have rallied around the McCanns. Kate McCann's mother, Susan Healey, described the situation as "ludicrous", while her brother-in-law, John McCann, dismissed as "crazy" any suggestion she could have been involved in Madeleine's death.

But, whatever succor Mrs McCann might have felt at the prospect of a return to Britain – & its calm familiarity – dissolved last night. Just as she & her husband were forced to jettison their return flight to the Midlands on 4 May, so it'll be tomorrow. The bags are being unpacked & in the short term at least, the McCanns will not be coming home.

The evidence

Aside from leaks to the Portuguese press, apparently by local police sources, little hard evidence has emerged in the case. Last night, speculation was surrounding allegations that blood samples had been found in the McCanns' car (which could, of course, have come from anything from a nosebleed to a cut finger), amid claims of a forensic breakthrough, the details of which have yet to emerge.

British sniffer dogs were brought in to analyze other traces found in the McCanns' apartment, as tests were being performed at the Forensic Science Service in Birmingham on evidence, thought to be traces of blood, found at the apartment where Madeleine disappeared on 3 May.

The revelation sparked an international media frenzy which didn't abate even when it was suggested that they came from a previous guest.

The Portuguese law

Under Portuguese law the legal status of arguido permits the police to treat someone as a formal suspect, placing under an obligation to answer specific questions. There is no equivalent in English law but it could be said to be the preliminary stage before arrest when someone is still "helping police with their inquiries".

An arguido, or arguida if the suspect is a woman, has the right to remain silent & the right to be represented by a lawyer. Anyone who is subject to a police investigation can ask for arguido status which in Portugal is considered a common course of action & doesn't denote guilt.

It also means that the police can ask a judge to place restrictions on the suspect's movement & require them to surrender their passport or reside at a fixed address. Where there is a real concern that an arguido might abscond the judge can ask for a substantial surety.

But where there's little risk of the suspect fleeing the country the police can ask the suspect to sign a residence & identity contract.

If the police believe they have sufficient evidence to support a criminal case then the suspect will be arrested. Criminal charges normally follow swiftly.

The investigation

The 11-hour questioning of Kate McCann appears a controversial move by the police, who friends of the McCanns believe have been reveling in the attention.

But it's possible that – with the McCanns talking of leaving Portugal soon – police wanted one last, long attempt to question the pair.

If they were slow off the mark, the police learnt to speed up as a symbiotic relationship developed between them & the press. They fed off each other over stories, spurring the other on in a void of information.

The initial media pressure may have helped kickstart the search. By 8 May, police were saying they had investigated 350 suspicious incidents but still had no idea about the whereabouts of Madeleine, leaving the media to fill the information gap.

In early August, a fleeting glimmer of hope emerged when the case switched to Belgium, where a "highly credible" witness said she was " 100% sure" she saw Madeleine at a service-station near the Dutch border.

Belgian police issued a photo-fit and carried out DNA tests, but the girl was proved not to be Madeleine.

By the end of last month the Portuguese press was reporting that the investigation was focusing on the McCanns, amid claims – repeated in the UK – that their phone calls & emails were being monitored.

The father

Madeleine's father, a consultant cardiologist from Leicestershire, last saw his daughter at 9.30pm on the night of her disappearance as one of the parents rotating check-ups on their children while they dined in a nearby tapas restaurant with friends.

Gerry McCann also walked a fine line throughout the case, both using the media – he recently addressed the Edinburgh Fringe – & condemning it for its intrusion into his family's lives.

Last night, before he was named as a suspect, Madeleine's father expressed outrage at the Portuguese police's handling of the case & said he & his wife would "fight this to the end" after his wife was named as an official suspect.

Like Mrs McCann, her husband has experienced the metamorphosis from victim to figure of suspicion in the eyes of the press & in early August was forced to defend their position & reiterate their belief that Madeleine was still alive.

"We're not naïve," he said, sitting beside his wife in a television interview. "We expect the same thoroughness & to be treated the same way as anyone else who has been in & around this. And we wouldn't expect it any other way. The same high levels will be applied to us as would be applied to anybody else & that's only right & proper."

The media

By the time news emerged overnight on 3 May that a little girl had gone missing in a Portuguese resort favored by middle-class holidaymakers, the British media were already acting as the outriders of the investigation.

Leading criticisms of the local police, journalists leapt on the claims of Gill Renwick, a family friend, when she called GMTV alleging that police activity had wrapped up at 3am, leaving ports & borders uninformed. So began an acrimonious stand-off between the Portuguese authorities & an increasingly rampant UK media pack.

Throughout the summer their appetite for wild speculation was to remain undiminished despite a real lack of hard, new information.

As the media spotlight came back to Madeleine's parents, the McCanns' anger boiled over & they threatened a libel action against a famous Portuguese reporter.

The friends

By Madeleine's 4th birthday on 12 May, the McCanns' international campaign to keep the search alive had taken off, with the footballers Cristiano Ronaldo & David Beckham making appeals for information, while Sir Richard Branson & J K Rowling contributed to rewards now totalling £2.5m. Mr & Mrs McCann launched a website, findmadeleine. com, which would get more than 170 million hits.

The parents initially pledged to stay in Portugal. Eventually, the McCanns took their campaign around Europe, traveling to Spain, Berlin and Amsterdam. The tour reached a climax at the Vatican, where they were hosted by the British ambassador, Francis Campbell, who had negotiated a meeting with the Pope at short notice.

On 30 May, Mrs McCann was seen trembling in images broadcast around the world as Pope Benedict blessed a picture of Madeleine.

Throughout, the campaign has been supported by the McCanns' friends, who have remained loyal, stayed in Portugal to be available for the investigation & for the large part, kept silent.

That changed on 8 August when one friend, Rachel Oldfield, who dined with the McCanns on the night of Madeleine's disappearance, hit out at " smears" from the police. "They're throwing mud at us & we aren't able to defend ourselves," said Mrs Oldfield, 34, who, along with others, had been questioned.

The suspects

Police had been struggling for leads until Robert Murat, 33, a British expatriate, was questioned. The media immediately invoked memories of Ian Huntley, the Soham murderer, who – like Murat – had engaged with journalists, claiming he was translating for police.

His mother maintained he was with her when Madeleine went missing, but police named him as the only official suspect, even after searches of his home failed to find evidence. One possible suspect was said to be Urs Hans Von Aesch, 67, a suspected paedophile from Switzerland linked to another missing 5 year-old. But he shot himself in the forest where belongings of the Swiss girl were found.

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